Friday, July 30, 2010

Frame of Mind


I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last several weeks about my life and situation. I'm a planner and like to have a defined direction to go in. Some people call it setting goals.

Since losing my job over 18 months ago, I've been trying to force change to go in the direction I want it to. It has caused me a lot of frustration, anger, depression and resentment. I've worked hard and smart for the last 20+ years and while I can't say it hasn't gotten me anything, it sure hasn't landed me in a good place for a time in my life when I should be looking forward to when I can do what brings me the most happiness and not constantly worrying about survival.

With all that said, I'm now in a pretty good state of mind. I am forcing myself, against my natural tendencies, to take one day at a time. There is something ahead for me that I can't see and my future will unfold on its own terms. I just have to be open to what that might be.

I am now a permanent part time employee at Lowes and have adjusted to an irregular work schedule and standing on my feet for hours on end. My immediate goal of getting health insurance has been achieved and I'm grateful for that.

When I am not working at Lowes, I continue to maintain my home, land and care for the animals that depend on me. I have also started taking naps almost daily and not feeling guilty about it since I need the rest. I have stopped working myself to death keeping everything orderly the way I prefer and accepting that I do a pretty darned good job of it, even if some things are left undone. I also try to spend at least a little time each day stitching or sewing to soothe my soul.

Some other changes have come in the way of the decision to begin paring down things around me that I don't need. One day, sooner or later, I will be moving and the thought of packing up all the things I've acquired makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've contacted an antique dealer I know and will be selling some of my antiques. This isn't due to financial hardship but has everything to do with simplifying my life even more than I already have. I am donating or selling everything I don't need or don't use and just making that decision has put me in a positive frame of mind.

Oprah had a great show Thursday about this very subject. We are bombarded daily with commercials and ads to buy the latest and greatest gadget, or pair of shoes, or new car. It's so easy to get caught up in that way of thinking. While I certaily have my weaknesses, I am pretty good at disciplining myself even when I had a good paying job and could shop when I wanted to. I cancelled my satellite TV subscription well over two years ago and have been glad that I did. I thought I'd miss it but haven't and learned that it was an unnecessary expense.

I have also decreased the amount of time I spend on the computer and haven't been visiting blogs nearly as much, but still job search almost daily. While so many blogs are inspiring, they also tend to make me want to run out and buy stuff I don't need. I am concentrating on being more self reliant and living more simply. There are a lot of great blogs devoted to this and I have added a few of them to my blog list.

And since I'm the worst at seeing what I DON'T get done every day, I think I'm going to use my blog as a diary of my achievments. It will be a good way for me to see what I've accomplished instead of what I didn't get done.

Yesterday I got most of the mowing done and my yard/land looks pretty good considering the horrible heat and lack of rain this summer.

I have had my coffee at leisure this morning while watching all the birds and butterflies I have attracted by planting things with them in mind. I am looking forward to watching my silly BritComs this evening and having a good day till then.

1 comment:

Diane said...

Phyllis, I understand completely! I have "begun all over again" twice in the past 6 years. The first time brought nothing but trouble for me because I chose the wrong, let's call it "path". This time, the damage done in the past 3 years is a much more difficult challenge at my age, but I'm doing it! Just as you are, day by day. That's all we can do. And it does bring peace of mind. Hoping that things work out for you.
Love and hugs, Diane